It’s not just a DMB song. It’s not only something that my computer does. Every once in a while you just get overloaded. I’ve always found that when I do, I just need a reboot. A little bit of time away from my stress and away from people to put myself back together and pick everything up again. I’m not usually one to get so wound up in big things. It’s usually a culmination of a lot of little things that pile up.
Recently, I’ve come to find that my summers are not as relaxing and laid back as I have come to expect. A lot of my friends can’t wait for summer. It’s a time to just breathe. I guess I’m at the point in my life where I can’t do that. I’ll always be working my butt off through the summers from here on, it looks like. Additionally, I still have way too many conflicts with what I’m trying to do professionally. It seems like every time I book myself for a show, there’s another show that I want to do twice as bad on the same date. Or that the rehearsals for the events interfere with each other. I’m just way too busy trying to please everyone’s schedules and it gets to be tiresome after a while. It really does feel nice to be in such high demand but after a while I really start to feel like I’m being taken advantage of. It would be nice to work on the things that I want to work on every once in a while without having to deal with so much conflict.
Yesterday I had a mini-breakdown that only angry choreography could help me reboot with. I just felt like I was being pulled in way too many directions with other people’s work. Artistically, I still wanted to do my own thing but no one is as selfish except when it comes to their own vision. Suddenly, I become the bad guy because I have other things to do that are not even in my own agenda. I’m getting stirred up a little bit just thinking about it. It’s pretty upsetting.
Here’s an analogy: imagine the highest level of schooling that you ever got. Albeit highschool or college or something. Remember that one instructor who gave you a butt-ton of work to do? And it was due daily? Then they gave you attitude because they did not consider it that much work to do? They failed to realize that you have a life. You have other classes and obligations to fulfill and their class is not the end all be all of your priorities. This was the feeling that I was overwhelmed with yesterday. It’s frustrating and it really just makes you super angry.
I didn’t rectify my situation either. It’s still bothersome.
Today I had my audition for my dance scholarship for the following year. Walking into the interview with my faculty adjudicators, I could already feel their agenda. I can’t really blame them. They’re trying to allocate a huge sum of money and they need to make sure that they are getting their money’s worth before they give it away. They wanted to know what my plans for next year were and how I would represent Santa Fe college for the Spring. I had to stick with my guns though and tell them that I have wheels in motion for other things. I can be there for the fall, but if I get the things I really want then I won’t be around for the Spring. That was that. I’ll find out the results in two weeks….
With the weight of all these things lying heavy on my head its hard for my type B personality to just brush it all off. It accumulates. So what’s a guy to do? I had to reboot. I could already feel the wave of negative energy setting my serotonin levels off balance. My body was going numb. My mind was retreating in the recesses of the back of my head. I became quiet, lethargic. Depression is a silent killer. If you’re not watching out for it, it’ll come down on you hard. I’m experienced enough to know when it’s coming. My freshman year was a textbook case of unipolar depression. I was unmotivated, I slept constantly and for hours on end, loss of appetite, and no desire to be social unless there was a chance for substance abuse. I had to fight it. I picked myself up and I found a place of solitude to let out all of my emotions. Anger, sadness, frustration- they all came out loudly and energetically in the third floor of the Phillips center parking garage. Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of the stupor. So while my situation has not really changed, at least my attitude towards it has.
Looks like summer is going to be wicked busy afterall.